I am a self proclaimed "worse caser". I worse case scenario every part of my life, even to the point of not being able to enjoy life. "What in the world is a "worse caser" you ask?" Its someone that has to have a plan and back up plan for EVERYTHING...I can't go to the store about worrying about what happens if I get in a car accident.."who would pick up Aisy?", "who would get Bay from carpool?", "who would I call first", "Sean went into work today would I be able to reach him", "What hospital would I go to", "If the car is totaled what would we do?" You get the picture...pretty annoying huh. Imagine doing that daily.
My new years resolution this year (for 2011) was to try to let it go a little bit, to relax and not plan out every second of every day. To trust that others can help with the kids, that Sean is capable of doing things without me. I was doing a little better...down to only "worse caseing" once or twice a week.
In August I started getting a super annoying pain in my right side. Immediately I thought it was my appendix but when the pain didn't increase I blew it off. After about a month or so I finally dragged my butt to the Dr's for further information. She talked about all the organs that are on the right side and after pressing around on my stomach she opted to do an ultrasound to see if my gall bladder was acting up. At that time I thought having my gall bladder removed was the worse thing that could happen. I complained and whined and acted like a full on baby. I started to plan for care of the kids and how I would be able to be in the hospital for a few hours cause of course I am "supermom" and nobody can possibly take care of the kids as well as me. After a few days I got the call from the Doc...my gallbladder was clear...ummmm ok well what about the annoying pain Im still dealing with?
Her response...it must be an ulcer. Ok cool...ulcers are nothing right...stop drinking, eating tomato's and take prilosec..works for me. Well after 2 months of ulcer meds the pain hadn't gone away.
So next stop...the GI doc. I drove down there hoping he would have some "magic scan" and be able to tell me right then and there exactly what was wrong with me. Yeah if they could do that Im sure they would be playing the lottery or living in Vegas instead of dealing with cranky people like me. He told me what my doc had said "ummm I have no idea but we will run more tests". He pressed on my stomach more, mentioned a bunch of organs that were on that side and told me that he wanted to order a CT scan but more than likely the CT wouldnt show what was wrong. "OK so if you dont think it will show anything why in the world do I have to get one?" His response was "cause your insurance is cranky and I need to make sure that we take all the steps." OK I can handle that. It took my other doc 2.5 weeks to get them to approve me for Previcid so im sure they wouldnt be any different with the GI doc. So I left his office even more confused then when I went it but at least we had a plan. I was going to go in for a CT scan and when it didnt show anything I was going to get an Endoscopic ultrasound. Sounds good.
Well if you have never gotten a CT scan its not the most pleasant prep process. First you have to drink 2 large bottles of this milk like substance that tastes like a combo between plastic and chap stick...pleasant huh? Then when you get to the office you get to drink another 1/2 bottle. I chose to "change it up" the 3rd time and get a citrus flavored one...actually tasted better...similar to a pina colada (however rum would have been a great addition). Once at the office you get to change out of your nice warm jeans and sweatshirt and into a pair of cold drafty scrubs and placed in a room that is at least 30 degrees...I was cold...cant you tell? Once I get changed and laid down on the little table thing they drop the bomb..."IV Contrast" ummm....no one told me I was going to have to get an IV...I quickly respond with "Im a hard stick...and I've been fasting" The nurse looks a me with a little fear in her eyes and says "It'll be ok" After 10 mins, 3 different needles, 2 nurses, 2 different size tubes and 1 blown vein we were in...yay let the angels rejoice.
Once the scan was over I was told it would take a few days to get some results...which was fine since the doc said it prob wouldn't show anything anyway. I got dressed...dealt with the hives I got from the IV contrast...oh yeah I forgot to mention on top of the blown vein I developed a few hives and was informed that I was allergic to iodine contrast and would need to inform all medical professional in the future so they could take the proper precautions. Oh well..crappy veins and iodine contrast issues are nothing compared to what others deal with.
They next few days were a blur. I passed the time studying for finals, hanging with the girls and spending time with friends and not thinking too much about the tests.
Then, on Thursday, while shopping with a girl friend I got a call from the Dr's nurse. "Danielle, we received the results of your CT Scan and the Dr would like to schedule you for an MRI, he said we can have you come in and talk with him first or we can send your info to the scheduler and get you in for the MRI first" huh...me:"so you didnt find anything?" nurse:"well there appears to be a spot on your liver so we would like you to have an additional scan as well as come into the office to get a full liver work up" me:"ummm (trying to control my shaking voice) ok, when would you like me to come in?" We talked about the options and she said anytime in the next week would be good. Then my final question: "so all the other organs have been ruled out?" "yep, the only thing that appeared on the scan was the spot on the liver"
It was in that moment everything changed. I was trying to not freak out. Trying to play it cool but all I could think of was "wow that came out of left field". My doctor thinks I have cancer. How did that happen? In all my worse caseing I never saw that one coming. And to think I was whining about a gall bladder issue.
I tried to go about my weekend, called Sean informed him of what the doc said and we both tried to not stress about it. What difference would it make. Stressing wasn't going to change anything...it is what it is. We still had two beautiful girls to raise, lives to lead and in that moment we realized that no amount of planning, stressing or worrying was going to change anything. There was a chance I could have cancer and that was it.
On Monday morning I called my docs office and talked to the nurse some more. We talked about the blood test, MRI and when I would get the results. She said if I got the blood work and MRI completed by Tuesday then they would have the results on Weds but she couldn't get me in for an appointment until Friday...so I asked what the odds were that she would actually tell me on the phone if it was bad news...nope...so then the waiting began. I drove downtown, got my arm stuck with another needle, then the next day fasted (with no water) till 10am...got stuck with another needle and shoved in a tiny tube for an hour.
Then the waiting began
I got the luxury of spending the next 24 hours wondering if I was going to get a call...getting a call meant I was good...that it wasn't cancer and all would be right with the world...not getting a call meant I would have to keep my Friday appointment and our lives would change forever
On Weds am while loading Aisy in the car for bible study..the phone rings...and I MISSED THE CALL...yep..thats me..totally ignoring a call while trying to strap my kid in.
So then I spent the next 5 mins trying to get ahold of my nurse and inside wondering if it was a good or bad call.
"Danielle, we received the results of your liver test and they are completely normal, the results of your MRI show a Begin (insert medical jargon here) liver tumor"
And the Angels rejoiced
And it was in that moment that I realized we never really know anything. In one weeks time my life was flipped upside down and back again and to be honest it was a great eye opening experience. I have spent so many years stressing about everything that "could" happen when in reality there are some things you can not plan for. It may have come late but I managed to keep my resolution for 2011. After that phone call I vowed to live life to its fullest. I no longer stress about the what ifs and try to focus on the here and now.
Im sure you are wondering what came out of the whole medical stuff and to be honest we are still living it. I started this post in early December and now its late January and after a few more tests we are still at a loss. I have had an endoscopic ultrasound and the only thing it remotely showed was some sludge in the gallbladder. I have met with a surgeon and surprise surprise he was at a loss too. After talking for a few and discussing the options and pain levels we have opted to take my gallbladder out as a first resort. I am scheduled to have to out on Thursday and hopefully the pain will be gone after that.
As most of you know I LOVE sharing the ins and outs of raising 2 crazy redheads but when it comes to me I am more reserved about what I share and do not share. This post has taken almost 2 months to finish writing because I wasnt sure if it was something I wanted to share. I recently read a post from the sister of a blogger I follow that inspired me to hit submit. Her sister is going through a mystery medical issue and after reading some of her trials and tribulations I realized that it is important to share mine. Maybe hearing some of the issues I am going through will help someone else get through theirs. Its hard going to doctor after doctor have have them say "uhhh I dont know" but at the end of the day I am grateful for everything I have and my family is what helps me push though. I know in the end I will be fine and this journey to find answers will have made me a stronger person.
